It looks like Bertie Ahern is going to remain Taoiseach, a notion which for me holds more dreads than a voodoo hairdresser. At least Fianna Fail didn’t get an overall fuckyouall majority, though. This means that there will be someone in government with them to temper them and such, which in itself is a notion Mary Hanifin isn’t too fond of.
“Other parties should not come to us with shopping lists,” she said, looking over her glasses at the populace like the suspicious Scooby Doo librarian she seems to be channelling. “They must remember that the supermarket is not open 24/7 and as such is not in direct competition with Tesco anyway.” I think that’s what she said. It was at least something equally murky. Having Mary Hanifin as Minister For Education is like showing a Dali painting to a deaf person and making “hurry up” gestures, that it is.
So, what are the choices Mr. Ahern faces?
Fianna Fail and The Progressive Democrats: Seems like the most likely option. After all, they’ve made sweet music together before. The PDs took the shit jobs, protected their FF colleagues from attack (at least, I think that’s what they meant with the watchdog analogy), and sponged up voter dissatisfaction like the unlikeable cunts they are. Yes, such a partnership has been very good to Fianna Fail. Why change horses in mid stream/rapids/current/sultana? Conclusion: There’s no better option than Fianna Fail and the PDs.
Fianna Fail and The Green Party: Fianna Fail care about the environment; sure, there’s loads of it in Galway and horses run over it. The environment is a great yoke to have just a helicopter ride away. And what better way to quell the cries of the young and environmentally conscious than to bring the Greens into government? Who’d complain? Certainly it’s hard to take the Greens seriously, and they’re really naff and your mum pretends to support them when she’s trying to “get down” with you and your mates because she doesn’t realise liking the Greens went out with mutton chop beards. Still, it’s hard to hate them. But is that enough? Christ, who wants a government you can only be proud of when high? Conclusion: Too close to Fianna Fail and the Bee Gees.
Fianna Fail and Labour: Pat Rabbitte, now, truly is down with the kids. He waggles his fingers about whilst delivering snappy comebacks and once told the Taoiseach his momma sooo fat, she got stuck in the Blackwater valley. And Labour are, like, so left wing. So, so left wing. The left wing is great. It’s especially great for other people; Pat Rabbitte may be droppin’ it like it’s hot, but his kids certainly ain’t going to a state school. Am I dissing him? Is it because he is black? Hmm. Fianna Fail might be best keeping their distance, because some day people are going to realise that the nearest Labour ever came to the homies was when the Gay Pride parade passed in the next street. Conclusion: Nah. It’s like Fianna Fail and the Fugees.
Fianna Fail and Sinn Fein: Sinn Fein are a party of yappy women and the battle-scarred from Louth. Such a mix would not sit well with anyone, let alone His Conservative Ruddiness, Bertie Ahern. Are the Shinners sexy and flexi, or a load of old codgers with Glocks? Do you have to speak to them in a Norn Iron accent? Would they want to change the national anthem back to A Nation Once Again? Where would you sit them at your daughter’s wedding? No, too many questions, and if they’re not answered correctly in three goes you’re likely to find your kneecaps embedded into the wall behind you. Conclusion: Brrr! Fianna Fail and The Heebie Jeebies.
Fianna Fail and Like-Minded Independents: Oh, come on. Beverly Cooper Flynn could do with Bertie’s creative accounting lessons, but she’s too much of a liability in the cut-throat world of politics. There’s only so many times you can hear, “You know I’m good for it, boss! 24 hours, that’s all I ask!” before you wonder if Mary-Lou McDonald knows any Columbian hitmen. As for Tony Gregory, he won’t even wear a tie, and that Finian McGrath keeps going in for You’re A Star and embarrassing his constituents. Jackie Healy Rae might not last the night, let alone the term. Conclusion: You must be joking. Fianna Fail and the Needies, Seedies, Reedies and DTs.
Fianna Fail and Fine G… Oh, forget it.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
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13 comments:
Hilarious summary of FF's tactical moves, Sweary. Bertie's in a lot of trouble today and may have to woo the PD's a bit.
Medbh, Woo the PD's you say? there's only two of them to woo. They're hardly even a collective anymore.
Looks like it will be the P-diddies and a few of the loners. Pity, I would have liked to see the greens in. they are not as flaky (what does that word mean? everyone is using it) as you make out sweary, more peelable like that stringy cheese kids are always eatin. even Kevin Myers is saying nice things about trevor sargeant
You're right, Orlaith, they have dwindled down, but as dirty as Bertie is who wants to be in business with him, especially today with all the bad press over his shady finances?
Nice one, very nice indeed.
ff and the 2pd, only if the pd's really want to vanish completely. While, ff and the greens, oh god help. The wabbit and ff, again only if labour wants to commit hari Kiri with a blunt spoon, slowly.
FF and the sf, same shop different shelf, but would be a mutual suicide pact. The independents and ff (is she a cooper or a flynn, its about bloody time she decided), there is not enough of them.
As it stands at the moment there is both not enough ff for the majority and too many of the not to feel their oats and fuck up anything else.
Fg and everyone except ff/sf, I would expect an election soonest. But god help, whichever of them is the cause of a new election. It might even be time (for the party) if ahern went off to play with Rocco. That young wan of his must be in need of babysitters.
Hows about FF and a breeze block attached to a chain at the bottom of the Irish Sea. Just a thought.
Beverley is divorced from Cooper. We need to drop Cooper from the Beverley. We should interpolate the word Bastard instead.
It will be Fianna Fail plus whatever cynical fucker is willing to buy in.
How hard is that to predict?
is "like minded independents" not an oxymoron or one of those words?
Tweedle P and Tweedle D will be hoping against hope that Bertie will show them some real lovin' rather than just talking about them (which is just his opening gambit).
First he's got to find an otherwise opposition vote to schtick in the Cathaoirleach's* job. Some elder Labour lemon would do nicely, or a bolshy independent... Then he's got his 11 Senate seats to play with, and the Attorney General's job... the bottom line - if they're that concerned about 'stability' (not stabability) - they've got to make the edifice bye-election proof. So, on balance, a tightly negotiated pact with the Greens... and a seat or two in the Senate would appeal to the Greens... and Flynn and Healy Rae will vote along with them anyway...
* speaker/chair of the Dáil**
** Irish parliament...
Arf. Nice one, Galwaywegian.
You know, in once sense I'm delighted I'm somewhat cushioned from 24 hour feeds on this election. Half an hour in the Carrigaline Court of a morning leaves so little time to ponder on important things like the formation of our next government.
The district court, is it? What was that about... were you drunk in charge of a buggy?... applying for a license to enter the licensed trade?... getting your Cark residency visa stamped?
Damn your insolence! I'm Minister For Justice now!
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