I never said they were good reasons, did I?
Anyway, I am losing the totally topical taste, so here's a quick round up of what's going on in the vacuum outside my considerable personality and all who orbit it.
The Mahon Tribunal: Tribunal? Anything with "tribunal" in the title is bound to remind me of the Minister For Health - expensive, dull, and perplexing to all but the most devoted of fetishists. Anyway, the real Mahon tribunal should explore where it ends and Blackrock begins, because there are some Corkonian opportunists out there taking liberties with the "location" tab on Daft.ie.
The Weather: Yes, it sucks like Ronan Keating's inhalation. Everyone in Ireland's off out foreign for the holidays anyway, so what the Jaysus are you complaining about? Fuckers.
The US Government's Lost A Few Billion: They haven't lost it. For God's sake, how would they have lost it? It's been reassigned into the greatest WMD project they've ever undertaken; Beyonce. Have you noticed she's everywhere? Of course you haven't, because she's a master of disguise. Behold!
Beyonce, Shakira, Beyira, Shikonce, Shittake: it's all the same to me. And if that hair's done over the sink with L'Oreal like the US Government claims, slather me stupid and feed me to the Tallafornians, because I am not falling for that one.
The Greens Have A New Leader: Apparently, he's gormless. The Greens did say they'd bring honesty to the establishment, and with this, they've kept their... oh. Gormley. Right.
People Are Being Stabbed: Nevin McGuire's inspired me to the kitchen on the offense as well. Besides, guns are expensive.
People Are Being Shot: See now? That's the Celtic Tiger social divide for you.
The Russians Are Coming: Or going. Depending on which side of the Urals you are. Either way, they're not so welcome in the UK anymore, which is bad news for nail technicians, expensive nightclubs, and Chelsea FC. It's bad news for the UK in general when the drunkest nation on Earth (so there, anti-paddies!) seems to have more common sense. Can a nation have common sense? I don't know. Are we allowed say "common" when describing Russia? Is it racist? Is it evocative in a bad way? Does my head look big in this fur?
Irish Water Still Not Very Nice: Anyone else hate that Ballygowan ad with the rasping David Bowie cover? Emphysema has never been so ear-shriveling; Enya sounds like a foghorn in comparison to whatever Undead is singing that. Oh, and also the water supply in various places (take out a map and stab at it randomly and you're sure to hit the squits) is contaminated. I reckon it's all an evil plot thought up by the Vintners to prod us towards alcoholism. I mean, even more alcoholism.
Drugs Are Bad: It's to be expected, really, with all the saltwater.
The Roads Are Worse: Seriously, people. Relax. You're in no hurry, really. Whatever it is that has you revving up isn't worth the spinal injuries. Also, I demand more of the really depressing road safety ad with the wheelchair bound survivors and the old Mammy opening the door to the guards, and less of the Get It On campaign with the gentle headbanging. Car crashes are a little more upsetting than close ups of expensive nail polish, ok?
More Stuff: I'm painfully aware of how shite the blog's been since I started work. I've got to give it an ould kick in its Arse End, keep it as fresh as the wind between Derek Mooney's ears. But what to do, my pretties? What attractive baubles can I hang off my HTML... for you?
7 comments:
The blog's grand, Sweary. All that's missing is the real-time witty retorts. I can live without being wittily retorted at for a while. As long as it's not for too long.
No baubles please. I want to read the blog, not watch it.
I agree with Primal, I have been very impressed that you up every morning before going to work and writing the blog. Of course you may just be writing it before you sleep either way its still worth reading.
I'll have to stop writing in work soon as I actually expected to work.
Sucks, doesn't it? I was sitting at work all morning with sweet fuck all to do and no internet access. :(
Thanks, fellas.
No complaints about the blog here. Sorry to hear that the salt water is wrecking all the drugs.
I was going to lay off coming here swears, but there are only 4 comments, so i thought i'd up it to five, udder-woise peeple'll be larfin at yer. 20 major rubbing his untalented hack-handed claws together like a de-frocked priest hanging round a primary school.
It's all in yer mind sewary gob, yer doing ok. Bill Naughton from Aughamore who moved to England when a wee wan and wrote Alfie, said that he learnt to love writing by setting aside time in the day religiously to practice it until he was addicted, and i haven't noticed a drop in standards at sweary central. Apart from the killer wit and top class daftness, you are the only blogger i know who never has typos, a true pro.
What is a love of writing swears, but loving ones Muse? And you are "there" catapillar head apprehending a nail file..
Don't change a thing, Sweary.
Though could you tell those women to please, please tone the wigs down just a smidge? Can they not choose fake hair that looks like it may be real?
Carry on regardless, pop "Low Desert Punk" on and chill, everything will flow after that.....
"I get up when the sun goes down..."
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