"And I Would Walk Five Hund..." *gunshots, screams*

It seems to be the rule in the Irish workplace that you have to listen to talk radio of a morning, to properly fire you up for a daycent complaining session at lunchtime. Where I work it's Cork's 96fm; Neil Prenderville to be especially specific and to give you the heebie jeebies on top of it. Neil is on a mission, I reckon, not just to be Cork's answer to Joe Duffy but to be Joe Duffy, and he's succeeding rather horribly.

Anyway, the other morning he received an email from a listener complaining about the shitestain that is Cork's clublife, and it was all rather familiar.The email tried to point out that Cork's club scene was restrictive, unfriendly, managed by bipolar bouncers and all too often as dead as the last dog Mary Harney sat on. I take the personal view that Ireland's club life is restrictive, unfriendly, cranky, burly and dead, and our nation is only wholesome in that it's some fucking hole.

If you take a club at random from anywhere in the country, chances are it'll adhere to these guidelines.

• Bouncers will have a preference for underage blondes and fellas in shiny shoes; everyone else chances being told "Not tonight lads" by some cross-eyed mental in a puffa jacket.
• It'll cost the best part of €15 to get in.
  
• The DJ will play the latest Ministry Of Sound compilation for the first hour as he's outside having a fag and an underage blonde.
• Shakira& Beyonce will be played at least twice.
• Rihanna's insipid bawling about her umbrolly will be played at least all fucking night.
• An underage blonde will spill a cocktail on you everytime you move.
• Someone will throw up on you in the smoking area.
• The night will finish with a remix of The Fields Of Athenry. Or the Proclaimers. Or that fucking Umbrella song.
• Someone will call you "Hi, you!" just before thumping you for looking at his underage blonde.
  
• You have to go to Supermacs/A&E afterwards.

Not just Cork. Everywhere. Ireland. That's what passes for an evening's entertainment. It's no wonder Neil's emailing fan was so upset, right? Explain then to me why clubs like the above are packed to bursting every fucking weekend? Yeah, yeah, ok; people go to meat markets to pull... it shivers me timbers to imagine waking in the morning next to an underage blonde who's left half her face on the pillow, though.

I have plenty of experience in the whole Irish meatmarket "Niteklub" thing from going out with my mates. You see, we're all close, but we're all very different people with very different tastes, which is why if there was more than two of us gathered together for drinkies we always ended up in a melting pot like that described above, and had to be scraped off the rim of it at 2 in the morning.

But you know, clubbing doesn't have to be this way.


This Saturday night in Cork's own Cruiscin Lan promises to be as blistering as a Mayo farmer in Majorca. Look, see! Look at the flyer! Kommunity's 1st birthday! If you know techno then you know you're in for a limb-mangling treat, and if you don't know techno, you're either due a very special lesson or you're Blarneyman. I'm looking forward to it like a a Christmas made of chocolate, I am. And not just for the music, although the spinning shenanigans of the feverishly dedicated DJ Tek, T Rev and Complex should whip anyone with a pulse into a frenzy. Nah, kids. It's the atmosphere as well, something which, post-Henry's, I think Cork's club scene is sadly lacking. The whole making-friends-with-strangers thing that you only get with proper dance music (though it doesn't pay to wonder why). The energy of a dancefloor wrapped up in communal, inexhaustible bliss. You don't fucking get that with Um-ber-fucking-ella! You so rarely get that at all anymore, which is why you should think about getting down to An Cruiscin Lan on Saturday night and listening to music played by people who really, really love what they're doing, who are mad about what they're playing and who want you to be mad about it too.

You can check out more from Kommunity here (and you really need to check out Tek's blog to realise how much work's gone into what they're doing). Or you can just get there on the night and be blown away. Not by the weather, though. Hopefully.