Fianna Fail and Other Par-tees

It looks like Bertie Ahern is going to remain Taoiseach, a notion which for me holds more dreads than a voodoo hairdresser. At least Fianna Fail didn’t get an overall fuckyouall majority, though. This means that there will be someone in government with them to temper them and such, which in itself is a notion Mary Hanifin isn’t too fond of.

“Other parties should not come to us with shopping lists,” she said, looking over her glasses at the populace like the suspicious Scooby Doo librarian she seems to be channelling. “They must remember that the supermarket is not open 24/7 and as such is not in direct competition with Tesco anyway.” I think that’s what she said. It was at least something equally murky. Having Mary Hanifin as Minister For Education is like showing a Dali painting to a deaf person and making “hurry up” gestures, that it is.

So, what are the choices Mr. Ahern faces?

Fianna Fail and The Progressive Democrats: Seems like the most likely option. After all, they’ve made sweet music together before. The PDs took the shit jobs, protected their FF colleagues from attack (at least, I think that’s what they meant with the watchdog analogy), and sponged up voter dissatisfaction like the unlikeable cunts they are. Yes, such a partnership has been very good to Fianna Fail. Why change horses in mid stream/rapids/current/sultana? Conclusion: There’s no better option than Fianna Fail and the PDs.

Fianna Fail and The Green Party: Fianna Fail care about the environment; sure, there’s loads of it in Galway and horses run over it. The environment is a great yoke to have just a helicopter ride away. And what better way to quell the cries of the young and environmentally conscious than to bring the Greens into government? Who’d complain? Certainly it’s hard to take the Greens seriously, and they’re really naff and your mum pretends to support them when she’s trying to “get down” with you and your mates because she doesn’t realise liking the Greens went out with mutton chop beards. Still, it’s hard to hate them. But is that enough? Christ, who wants a government you can only be proud of when high? Conclusion: Too close to Fianna Fail and the Bee Gees.

Fianna Fail and Labour: Pat Rabbitte, now, truly is down with the kids. He waggles his fingers about whilst delivering snappy comebacks and once told the Taoiseach his momma sooo fat, she got stuck in the Blackwater valley. And Labour are, like, so left wing. So, so left wing. The left wing is great. It’s especially great for other people; Pat Rabbitte may be droppin’ it like it’s hot, but his kids certainly ain’t going to a state school. Am I dissing him? Is it because he is black? Hmm. Fianna Fail might be best keeping their distance, because some day people are going to realise that the nearest Labour ever came to the homies was when the Gay Pride parade passed in the next street. Conclusion: Nah. It’s like Fianna Fail and the Fugees.

Fianna Fail and Sinn Fein: Sinn Fein are a party of yappy women and the battle-scarred from Louth. Such a mix would not sit well with anyone, let alone His Conservative Ruddiness, Bertie Ahern. Are the Shinners sexy and flexi, or a load of old codgers with Glocks? Do you have to speak to them in a Norn Iron accent? Would they want to change the national anthem back to A Nation Once Again? Where would you sit them at your daughter’s wedding? No, too many questions, and if they’re not answered correctly in three goes you’re likely to find your kneecaps embedded into the wall behind you. Conclusion: Brrr! Fianna Fail and The Heebie Jeebies.

Fianna Fail and Like-Minded Independents: Oh, come on. Beverly Cooper Flynn could do with Bertie’s creative accounting lessons, but she’s too much of a liability in the cut-throat world of politics. There’s only so many times you can hear, “You know I’m good for it, boss! 24 hours, that’s all I ask!” before you wonder if Mary-Lou McDonald knows any Columbian hitmen. As for Tony Gregory, he won’t even wear a tie, and that Finian McGrath keeps going in for You’re A Star and embarrassing his constituents. Jackie Healy Rae might not last the night, let alone the term. Conclusion: You must be joking. Fianna Fail and the Needies, Seedies, Reedies and DTs.

Fianna Fail and Fine G… Oh, forget it.